


Feelings

by orphan_account



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Angst, F/F, F/M, Feelings, M/M, Sad gays, Will Byers & Eleven | Jane Hopper Are Twins, i don’t kin Max but after writing this Max kins me, i projected so hard onto Max here I’m sorry, its 5:37am I want to sleep, jane and will are twins but still have powers for some reason, no beta we die like men, no fluff here sorry, vent ig
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-22
Updated: 2020-05-04
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:13:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23785330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Max has a lot of feelings, and sometimes she wishes she didn’t.
Relationships: Eleven | Jane Hopper/Maxine "Max" Mayfield, Mileven (background), Will Byers & Maxine "Max" Mayfield, elmax, theres byler if you squint
Comments: 11
Kudos: 27





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Couldn’t sleep and was sad so I wrote this. Apologies to Max Mayfield for making her extremely sad but I projected this entire thing onto her as a probably unhealthy coping mechanism woo! This is all over the place I’m so sorry  
> no beta we die like men

Max didn’t know what love was. She never thought she would. 

All her life she tried to hide who she was. Well… not so much hide as deny. She knew for a fact that she didn’t like boys, that she wasn’t straight, but other than that… she didn’t know. 

Hawkins was a very heteronormative town. 

_Heteronormative_. 

_Adjective._

_of, relating to, or based on the attitude that heterosexuality is the only normal and natural expression of sexuality_

Max didn’t even know what gay was until someone called her a dyke in fourth grade. She had asked her mother what it meant and her mother had made it sound like being gay was a taboo, like it was some horrible sin against God, or whatever. Even though the hateful words Susan spoke weren’t directed at her, they still hurt Max in a way she couldn’t explain. 

Then Max learned about _asexuality_. 

_Asexual_

_Adjective._

_without sexual feelings or associations_

With asexuality came aromanticism. Same thing, but no romance instead of no sex. Not directly linked, not the same, but under the same umbrella. 

Max came out to her friends as _aromantic_ and _asexual_ in early May. Nobody knew what that meant except for Will, for some reason, but after some explanation everyone assured her they all loved her no matter what her sexuality was. 

Because, after all, if she couldn’t like boys, she couldn’t like anyone. Right? 

Shortly after Max started calling herself aroace (only in front of her friends, of course), Will came out too. Will and Jane came out together. They were twins, of course. 

Will came out as gay. Jane came out as bisexual. 

Everyone was happy. Everyone was supportive. Everyone who mattered, anyway. 

But then… things changed. 

Jane was always Max’s best friend. Since she moved to Hawkins, anyway. Sure, the boys were cool to hang out with, but she didn’t connect with them the way she did with Jane. Jane made everything easy, and Max loved spending time just hanging out. There were no awkward silences, no huge fights, but there also weren’t many _girly_ times, either. 

Max always heard the girls at school talking about having sleepovers with big groups of girls, watching movies with the hottest new boy starring as the classic hunk, painting their nails and doing their hair and makeup while gossiping about… whatever girls gossip about. Max didn’t get it. And neither did Jane, apparently, because Jane seemed perfectly content with just playing games, watching sci-fi and fantasy movies, and doing improv karaoke where neither of them knew the lyrics. And Max was fine with that. 

If Jane was happy, she was happy. 

But things started to get uncomfortable for Max. Something inside her didn’t quite sit right. 

It was like her she was rejecting something, like her body was trying to spit out some kind of poison that had found its way in. And when she finally located the source of the problem, her entire world came crashing down. 

Max didn’t fit the term _aromantic asexual_ anymore. Not that she ever did, she guessed. It was just a placeholder until she finally figured out what she truly identifies as. It wasn’t as if she was lying when she said she was aroace, she thought she was. But more feelings surfaced, unwanted and unbidden. 

It was so _easy_ to say she was aroace. No sex, no romance, no relationships. Simple. Any other feelings can be shoved away or dismissed as platonic, right? 

Wrong, apparently. 

Maybe it was her tough upbringing, maybe it was the fact that nobody had hugged her in her own home since she could remember. Maybe it was something else. But Max finally started to admit to herself: _maybe this label doesn’t fit me_. 

She still stood by her reasoning that she didn’t like boys. She couldn’t see herself dating or marrying someone like Mike, Will, Lucas, or Dustin. The guys were only her friends. But girls? There was something familiar about them, something that Max longed for. 

So yeah, girls, Max decided. That label works for her. 

And Max started calling herself a lesbian. 

Max didn’t come out to her friends again, not like last time. She was afraid. Afraid of what they’d say when they figured out she’d been _lying_ to them for so long, even though she didn’t mean to and didn’t know it herself. So Max started dropping hints. 

During one of her and Jane’s movie nights, Max pointed out a particularly attractive female actress. 

“Man, she’s really pretty. I’d kill to have a body like that.” 

Jane had just looked at her, gazing in that way only Jane could, smiling slightly in a way that meant she understood, but was still confused. Max didn’t elaborate. 

During D&D sessions, Max usually made her character aroace themed; whether it be clothing colours, a stereotypical species, or even just throwing out random asexual jokes or puns. But one time, she made a distinctly gay character. She based it around herself, too. It might have been unrelated to the character, but that session was the most fun she’d had at that nerdy tabletop game. 

So, when Will pointed to some guy at the mall one time when the party was at Scoops Ahoy, asking Max: “isn’t he cute?” Nobody acted surprised when Max replied with “Ew, no, I’m gay!” 

Everyone still supported and loved her. Everyone who mattered, anyway. 

But there was one person who made Max continuously realize that she wasn’t straight or aromantic or asexual. 

She didn’t fall for Jane right away. At first she was too jealous of her to like her at all when they first met. 

Jane had beautiful, clear skin, golden brown hair that reached just above her shoulder, and honey coloured eyes that Max would _die_ for. And the girl even had fucking _superpowers_! Oh, and a loving family, though that was an added bonus. 

Often, Max wondered what she would do if she had Jane’s looks. But she was stuck with these _stupid_ freckles, _stupid_ too-bright-blue eyes, and this _stupid_ ugly ginger hair. 

But Jane didn’t seem to notice her good fortune. Max admired that. And soon, they bridged the gap and became friends, then best friends. 

And after a while Max started wondering what things would be like if Jane and her were to date. They both liked girls, right? There weren’t exactly a lot of options in fucking _Hawkins, Indiana_. 

And hey, Max finally admitted it to herself. She liked Jane. She _really_ liked her. Max was ecstatic that she was finally experiencing what it felt like to physically want another human being. 

Just as Max was finally warming up to the face that holy shit, she had a real-life crush, and she was gonna tell her, things came crashing down again. 

She was sitting in the cafeteria of the food court at Starcourt Mall with Dustin, sipping happily at a shake Robin had given her. For once, she was pretty happy. The rest of the party were off shopping, Will having been dragged along by his twin to go look at fancy clothes, and Mike being forced to help Lucas choose a new Walkman at RadioShack. 

“So,” Dustin said, leaning conspiratorially across the table, “What do you think?”

Max set down the ice cream drink, mocking Dustin by putting an elbow on the table and also lowering her voice. “I think a lot of things. You’ll have to be more specific, shit-for-brains.” 

The curly-haired boy just rolled his eyes like it was the most obvious thing ever. “You seriously haven’t noticed?”

Now Max was confused. “Noticed what?” What was she missing?

Dustin barked a laugh. “Madmax, for someone so good at video games, you are absolute shit at seeing something that’s right in front of your nose.” 

Yup. We know, Dusty. Get on with it. 

“Anyways, what do you think about Mike and Jane?” 

“What about them?” Max replied, crossing her arms over her chest defensively. 

“Well it’s obvious they like each other. Do you think they’re dating?” 

Dating. 

_Dating_. 

Oh no. 

“I… don’t know,” Max answered feebly. 

“Oh, come on! You know a good romance when you see one!” Dustin grinned at her. 

“I haven’t noticed anything,” she told Dustin. “Let me know if you do find anything out, though.” 

It couldn’t be, could it? 

Jane? Dating Mike Wheeler? But they were just friends! They did everything together! 

This couldn’t be happening. 

But, it turns out, it could. Less than a week later, Dustin reported back to her. Project “Mike and Jane” was a go. 

Max just felt sick. 

She had been so sure. So sure that Jane had flirted with her, had shown interest in her, had actually wanted to be with her, but here she was. Dating Michael Wheeler. 

And at first it seemed fine, like everything was normal, and Max wondered if Dustin might’ve been wrong. But of course, like all things do, it had to spiral. 

They started holding hands everywhere they went, holding each other close whenever they were around. Once, when Jane was sitting next to Max on a cafeteria bench at school, Mike came and sat on the other side of Jane and put his arm around her. Jane giggled, leaning her head on his shoulder. Max was effectively shut out of the conversation, forced to sit less than a foot away from Jane and _him_ while they were so disgustingly cute. 

That hurt more than Max could have ever imagined it could. 

What really stung is that Jane never told her she was dating Mike. They never told anyone else in the party, only Dustin, since he pestered them so much they eventually caved. 

Jane never said anything, even when it became obvious. 

What was worse was Max couldn’t find a single valid reason to hate Mike. Mike was one of her best friends. Mike was a really good guy. Max knew he’d make Jane happy but she couldn’t stand him since she learned they were a couple.   
  


_Jealous_

_Adjective._

_feeling or showing envy of someone or their achievements and advantages_

_Guilt_

_Noun._

_a feeling of having done wrong or failed in an obligation_

She shouldn’t feel this way. Max just needs to learn how to be happy for her best friend, right?

Right? 

Once again, wrong. 

As the weeks passed, it got worse. 

Max started avoiding the party more and more, distancing herself from her friends because she knew _they_ would be there. She always had an excuse ready, one they couldn’t argue with. She used her parents the most often. They knew how horrible Neil was, especially with Billy. They never questioned it. 

On one of these days, Max had turned off her supercomm (just in case the boys tried to call her) and headed down to the quarry. The quarry was _her_ place. Somewhere she wouldn’t be disturbed by drunken step-fathers or asshole brothers or sickening couples. Her place. 

It was a long bike ride, though. Hopefully if any of her friends went by her house they wouldn’t notice her bike was missing from it’s usual spot by the garage. 

After crossing from Old Cherry Road to the main road that led towards downtown Hawkins, Max pedaled through town and towards Sattler’s Quarry. The path felt familiar to her, the lonely dirt road one that she had pedaled, skated, and walked down many times like this. 

Tossing her bike down to the gravelly ground, she took in the scenery around her. It was a sunny day at the quarry, one that might have made Max feel slightly better if it weren’t for the fact that Jane was almost certainly cuddled in Mike’s lap. 

_Don’t think about that now_. 

Per her usual routine, Max walked slowly around the top of the cliff, before stepping towards the edge and peering into the dark waters below. 

She sat. Her legs dangled over the edge of the rocky cliff face. And it was peaceful. 

Until a voice called her name. 

“Max?”

She spun around sharply, both afraid and curious to see who was there. 

Will’s form appeared, walking his bike over to where Max’s was carelessly tossed. He propped his next to hers and shrugged off his backpack, letting it land on the gravel at his feet. 

“What are you doing here?” Max asked, scrutinizing as Will made his way over to sit beside her on the edge of the rock. “Aren’t you supposed to be with the rest of the party?”

He just shrugged. “I bailed. You didn’t miss much.” 

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

The two watched a couple of crows fly over the tops of the trees in silence. 

“You haven’t been hanging out with us as much anymore.” It wasn’t a question. 

Max sighed. “Yeah, I know. Sorry.”

“Can I ask why?” Will said gently. Out of all of her friends, Will was the quietest and most understanding. 

She looked away, not wanting to meet his eyes. “Jane.” 

Will got it. “Yeah. I kind of figured it was her.” 

“Yeah.” A long pause. “I still feel like shit for not being a good friend but I can’t stand seeing them together like that.” 

“Sometimes you have to take your own feeling into account.” He gestured vaguely around. “Why do you think I’m here?”

Max furrowed her brow at the boy beside her. “What do you have to be angsty about? Other than life in general, I mean.”

“Same reason as you.” Will‘s expression was neutral but she could hear the pain in his voice. 

“Oh.” Max processed this. “You like Mike.”

“Yeah.” 

“Well hey, at least we can be sad together.”

“Sad gays?”

“Oh, of course, sad gays. But we’ll be okay.” Max nudged the boy’s shoulder with her elbow. 

“Yeah.” Will pokes her back, grinning. “We’ll be okay.” 

Maybe things could go back to the way they were, but the knot in Max’s stomach only grew. 

Maybe. 

_Love_

_Noun._

_an intense feeling of deep affection_

_even though words won’t do it justice_


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got One good review on my last chapter so here’s Sadᵀᴹ part 2 if you want,,

Sattler’s Quarry soon became Max’s escape. The quarry and Will. He was pretty much the only person keeping her sane at the moment, not only about the Mike and Jane problem, but also other things. Now that Max was hanging out with the Party less and less, she was… lonely. And bored. It felt nice to have someone other than her asshole brother and homophobic parents to hang out with. 

School was usually okay, though. She could hang around with Jane and Mike and Will and Lucas and Dustin and if they told her she was acting differently around them she could just blame it on them being surrounded by people. They’d understand. She didn’t share any classes with the couple, though she did have science and math with Jane. Math soon became one of her favourite classes because she could always help Jane with any problems which she had trouble understanding - which were, apparently, all of them. Even Max was happy with herself when she helped get Jane’s math mark from a 48% to a 63%. As far as Max knew, this was probably the only time she’d ever use the quadratic formula in a real life situation. She was fine with learning the material only just to teach it to her crush to help her pass the class. 

Lunch was a whole different story. 

Following math class, Jane and Max headed down to the cafeteria. Lucas and Dustin were usually already there, having come from drama and band classes only a hallway away. The two boys were sitting across the table from each other as they usually did, allowing for the rest of the party to fill in around them. Max would take her usual spot next to Lucas, then wait for Will to hurry in 10 minutes late because he “absolutely  _ had _ ” to finish an art project. Jane usually slid in beside Dustin, then Mike would turn up after gym class to slide in between them. 

It was okay like that. Will and Max got to sit together and talk with Lucas about the latest student gossip (Lucas was in band, which wasn’t made up of all nerds, and the things they talk about in that classroom surprised even Max), and on the other side of the table Mike and Jane got to be all gross and couple-y while Dustin tunes everyone out with overdue homework or a comic book. It was a good system, and everybody silently agreed to uphold it. 

But then something weird happened. 

In math class, as Max was packing up her stuff and putting loose notes into her binder, Jane came up and hugged her from behind, securing her arms around Max’s waist. Not quite normal, seeing as she usually was quite a reserved person who didn’t like being touched a lot. But it made Max’s freckled cheeks heat up all the same as she awkwardly tried to hug her back. She mentally slapped herself, hating her own emotions for betraying her and making her attracted to this  _ taken _ girl. 

Jane eventually released her, and they headed down to the cafeteria as they usually did. 

Max sat beside Lucas, expecting Jane to just walk around to the other side of the table like she usually did. Instead, the brunette slid in beside Max. As if that wasn’t weird enough, Jane put her backpack on the bench on the empty side of her, effectively meaning that nobody else (namely Mike) could sit beside them. 

_ What was that all about? Jane had been all lovey-dovey with Mike before the weekend _ . 

Will arrived at the table, having finished his painting early (or so he claimed) and stopped short when he realized his seat was taken. Max shrugged, taking a bite of the sandwich she had packed. Will slid in next to Dustin on the other side of the table where Jane would usually sit. 

Finally, Mike showed up, hair freshly towel-dried from his post-P.E. shower. He glanced at the table, then noticed Will and Jane had switched places. His brows furrowed when he saw Jane’s backpack beside her in the space that he usually occupied at her side. (Max felt a pang of satisfaction, but she forced it down. That wasn’t fair for him.) Mike didn’t say anything, just quietly slid onto the bench beside Will. 

Max was left sitting beside Jane, wondering what inspired her seating change. It wasn’t a huge deal, but knowing Jane, she should be having Mike wrapped around her right now. What if Mike did something to her to make her try to avoid him? If that was the case, Max would slit his throat. Even if she didn’t have a crush on Jane, she was still fiercely protective of her best friend. 

_ Stop it, Jane just wanted to sit somewhere else today, that’s all _ . 

Except it continued past that day, and Jane sitting beside Max became the new normal. Honestly? Max was the happiest she’d been in weeks. She didn’t have to deal with the jealousy that was ever present when she saw the couple cuddling across from her, and Jane had started resting her head on Max’s shoulder while they read Wonder Woman comics at the table. The small gesture made Max’s heart melt every time, and she fervently hoped Mike couldn’t see the colour rise in her cheeks from his side of the table. 

Max liked the new normal, she decided. 

_ Feelings _

_ Noun.  _

_ A confusing compilation of ups and downs constructed in a mindset of constantly needing attention from someone. _

***

The party was sitting around the lunch table as per usual, conversations going on between everyone. Lucas was helping Dustin study for a drama quiz, and Will was showing Mike his sketchbook. Jane had finished her sandwich and was gazing dazedly into space. 

“Jane? Earth to Jane?” Max grinned, poking her friend. 

Jane blinked, recoiling at the touch. She didn’t say anything in reply, though her warm brown eyes told Max she had her full attention. 

“You okay? You’re quiet today. I mean, you’re always quiet, but you’re quieter than usual.” Max shut her mouth, the worry for Jane making her babble. 

Jane nodded, then seemed to reconsider. “Can… I talk to you? Alone?” 

Max’s brow furrowed. “Sure, lead the way, I guess.” 

Jane took off, abandoning her backpack at the table. Max followed, confused. 

What could Jane want to talk to her about? Did she need help with another math question? Something to do with science? 

Then the thought hit her. 

_ Oh god, she doesn’t want to talk to me about her relationship with Mike, does she? _

Suddenly Max was a lot less eager to find out what Jane was going to say to her. What else could elicit such a reaction from Jane? 

She almost walked past the room where Jane had gone into. Max followed her into the empty English classroom, then sat on one of the desks. Resigned to her fate, Max spoke first. “Listen, Jane, it’s fine you didn’t tell me about-”

“No,” Jane said simply. 

Max shut up about Michael Wheeler abruptly. 

“Not about that,” Jane said, sounding unsure. 

Okay, Max was freaked out. “What’s wrong?” Her concern currently trumped whatever resentment towards her friend’s relationship that she felt. 

The brunette paced for a few moments before replying. “You.” 

Her eyebrows could’ve reached the moon. “Me? What?”

Jane’s constant motoring around the room finally stopped about 2 feet away from Max. “You,” she said. “I like you.” 

That was absolutely  _ not _ what Max was expecting to hear. “I- what? You do?” 

The other girl smiled hesitantly at her, her curly hair bouncing as she nodded. 

Max was about to reply, a grin breaking out across her face when- 

***

_ Beep beep _

_ Beep beep _

Max groaned and rubbed her eyes, sitting up in bed. 

_ Fuck _ . 

Another dream. That was the fifth one in the past month, all of them featuring Jane confessing her love to Max. All of this shit with Jane being more affectionate with her rather than Mike was getting to her head. She couldn’t wait for her feelings to go away. 

It was Sunday, and the Party was supposed to hang out. Backhanding a stray tear from her eye, she got out of bed and plodded through her usual morning routine. 

Less than an hour later, she was skating down the road towards Mike’s house. The sun was shining, as if some higher power she didn’t believe in was trying to make up for her shitty subconscious and the absolute bullshit dreams it produced. As she kicked up her board on the Wheeler’s driveway, Jane pulled up beside her on her bike. Gracefully, she hopped off, her curls swishing in the light breeze. With the way the sunshine framed her face, Jane looked like a goddess in Max's eyes. 

“Max?” Jane called, setting her bike on the grass and heading for the front door. 

“Yeah, sorry, I’m coming.” Max put her board next to the bike as they opened the door to the Wheeler household. 

The day passed fairly smoothly, a Star Wars marathon and a heated game of Uno distracting Max from her feelings for the most part. She’d be lying if she said she didn’t enjoy teaching Jane to stack all of her +4 cards onto Dustin and watch as his face went from joy to pure horror as he realized he needed to pick up  _ 16 cards _ . 

Max made it home in high spirits around sunset, and she grabbed a slice of pizza from the box that Neil ordered as she headed back to her bedroom. The memory of her dream from the night before was long gone, which she was thankful for. 

Opening a Wonder Woman comic and throwing a Rick Springfield tape into her Walkman, Max turned her Supercomm’s dial to the Party channel. She was in a good mood, so hopefully she could catch some interesting conversation before she had to sleep again. Dustin, Lucas, and Will seemed to be offline, but Mike and Jane were in the middle of a conversation. 

“-I know you didn’t want to come today, but I enjoyed having you over.” Max could hear the warm smile in Mike’s voice. 

Her good mood evaporated immediately. But a part of her wanted to see what Jane would say. 

“It’s okay, I had fun. I got to Uno Dustin!” Jane’s adorable cluelessness made Max smile sadly. “Oh. Will’s calling me, I should go. Good night, Mike.”

“Goodnight Jane, I love you,” Mike replied. 

_ Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it _

“I love you too, Mike.” 

The Supercomm fell silent as the couple turned off their radios. 

“Fuck,” she whispered quietly to the empty room, tossing away the comic to the floor. 

The tears came, unbidden and unwelcome. Max tried to suppress them, but heavy sobs wracked her body as she replayed the conversation over and over again in her head. 

She threw her face into her pillow, tears dampening the usually-comforting surface as she let loose a torrent of emotions. The pillow muffled the sound of her crying, which was good. She was afraid of Neil finding out why she was crying, she was afraid of Billy finding out, and she was afraid of Susan finding out. 

She was afraid. And sad. And hurt. And lonely. 

God, what wouldn’t she give for one of Jane’s stupid backwards hugs right now? That would make her feel… better? Less broken? 

The heavy flow of tears subsided long enough for Max to catch her breath, her eyes damp and her nose runny. Too tired and emotionally exhausted to do anything else, she just lay there and listened to her Walkman. 

_ “And she’s watching him with those eyes, _

_ And she’s loving him with that body I just know it, Yeah n’ he’s holding her in his arms late, late at night.  _

_ You know  _

_ I wish that I had Jessie’s girl _

_ I wish that I had Jessie’s girl  _

__ Where can I find a w-“  
  


Max hit the stop button with such force that she worried she’d damaged the device. 

But fuck that song. 

Comic forgotten on the floor and walkie-talkie shoved haphazardly to the other side of her bed, Max burrowed herself deep into the blankets. Tomorrow will be better… right? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You expected happy??? In this chapter?? I’m so sorry but I’ll make more chapters that are happier I promise-
> 
> (Song at the end is Jessie’s Girl by Rick Springfield, released in 1981)


End file.
